The weekend was awful. I mean like super hard. My daughter could not keep even a sip of water down all day Saturday. Sunday, she could sip water and hot tea, but in small increments and still was sick several times over the day. She napped like 5 times and was in bed by 7:00. My son has had diarrhea since last Wednesday and was in bed last night by 6:40. They just don’t feel good.
And that is my weakness. I hate when my family is sick.
And not just for the noble reason that I don’t like seeing the ones I love in pain and not feeling good. I also hate it because it is an extreme trigger of anxiety for me. I cry. I shake. I feel seriously overwhelmed and depressed.
And when I examine it…maybe I feel is way because its inconvenient for me? I realize that I don’t know why I feel this way. Sure, I don’t want to have to deal with the ailments. I don’t want to have to handle the clingyness, the tears, the never ending needing of something. But it goes deeper. When I look at the day overall, the kids, the pile of need, I see it for what it is. A day that I need to get through, it will be over soon, I will survive.
But the feeling I so easily fall into, the feelings that sickness trigger in me, are anxiety, depression, overwhelmed, sad, defeated, out of control. And this lot of emotions are at the forefront of my mind. Not the fact that its just a day and it will be over. But my brain defaults to tears. Sadness. Lack of joy. It’s like those emotions are the filter I see my day through. And I don’t know why.
I haven’t written in a while, so I’m sure you’re super glad my first post in almost three weeks is such a heavy one…
I know I struggle with anxiety. And the anxiety often causes me to feel depressed in some fashion. My mom even text messaged me today to remind me to eat because she knows I don’t eat when I’m feeling this way. I am a mess.
I will lift up my eyes to the hills—
From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel
Shall neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade at your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The Lord shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
The Lord shall preserve your going out and your coming in
From this time forth, and even forevermore.
I am clinging to my God today. Begging Him for strength. Leaning on and pressing into Him. Sometimes the pain, the fatigue, the overwhelm, they just aren’t worthy reasons for slinking away from the Lord anymore. Sometimes you realize that your need for your Daddy is greater than the cozy bed or the TV show or the whatever you want to do instead. I need to be filled up. I need to be healed. I need repairing beyond human capabilities. Jesus, I need you.