Recently, I have been having a crisis of sorts. Feeling a bit torn in different directions and yet excited for the possibilities. And completely confused and bewildered and somewhat directionless. While I have direction in each of these paths, which is where the real question lies.
You know my passion and mission calling for people. I’ve told you. I’ve asked for help. And I’ve taken the opportunity to try and trust. I had an encouraging conversation with my pastor on Sunday about school. So there is that. I love people and want to be a therapist badly.
But then…I’ve been fully booked for web design lately. And currently I am booked through mid-April (one spot left! contact me!). This has been nothing short of amazing and exciting. I love design. It is something I am passionate about. And over the weekend, as I was working on a project, I began exploring an area of design that I have ALWAYS wanted to learn and do. It opened up my excited little dreamer heart and fired up my passion like you wouldn’t believe. I started thinking about my business and projects and what I want it to be.
But as I sat there at my computer, dreaming of my design future, the thought hit me square in the stomach. How can you pursue two passions that are completely unrelated? I know what some of you may be thinking…why must you choose? Can’t you do both?
For now, I can say yes. I am not in school yet, I am not a therapist yet. I am simply in the process of waiting to be accepted to school and seeing where God leads from there. So I am not elbow deep in theory and papers and studying. Yet. I am not well versed in this new area of design that I am passionate about. I am not elbow deep in design in this area. Yet. But you guys, if you know me and read this blog regularly, you know that when I dream, I dream BIG. When I am passionate about something, I cannot do it part-way. I simply do not have the desire to just to design project here and there to make a little extra dough for the fam. I have BIG dreams and ideas!
And then I think about the mission passion I have. I simply cannot ignore the tug deep down in my soul that tells me my calling. The longing and desire I have to help and love on families and marriages. And with that, I have big dreams and ideas too!
And I’ve sat and tried to brainstorm ways that therapy and design mesh, and I come up empty. I am not saddened by this. I am not depressed. But I am in full-scale prayer mode and trying to sort out my feelings and desires about everything. I told my husband about all this and then said, “You know, I am not even 30 yet. Who says I have to do both now?” But then that idea even scares me.
I have passions and talents in both areas. Deep loves for the different aspects of my passions. To do them well, I want to do them 100%. I feel like if I pick one (the thought seems impossible), I will feel a sense of relief at the thought of knowing where to place my passionate drive. But until then, my dreamer heart feels the impending moment where I will have to make a decision.
And that is where I sit. Confused. Excited. And prayerful.