butterflies in my stomach : learning trust

I recently shared about how the Lord spoke to me and challenged me to pray for Him to provide for graduate school. Well, last Wednesday, I went to a Marital and Family Studies informational meeting with my pastor and two of my friends at a seminary here in town. We sat at a round table, discussed the requirements to apply, and talked about the program. You guys, I was seriously pumped. I wanted to jump onto the table and squeal in excitement because I just was that excited to be there learning about the possibility of this long felt dream and call of mine. I really had all the requirements to be admitted! I just had to apply.

When it came down to it, it would cost $150 to apply. At the time, I didn’t have that $150. And any money that I could use to pay it would come too late to submit an application. So I offered up a plea to the Lord. Sitting in that meeting, my heart began to pound at the possibility of school and the thought of the many prayers that I had given up to God about this dream. My pastor then blew my mind and later told me that my church would like to pay for my application fee and entrance exam fee. I hadn’t even voiced my need, and yet in a few minutes time, my prayer for financial help to get my application fee was answered! God is SO good!

In that moment, I felt that His provision for the minute details…the fees…was a confirmation that I was pursuing His will. But, lets get down to the nitty gritty. [Nacho Libre, anyone?] To be real, I have student loan debt. Debt that I haven’t started paying on [did you know stay-at-home moms don’t get paid?!?!]. My husband has student loan debt. Thankfully, we are at least paying on his. But I am going to be 100% real with you guys right now. Together, my husband and I have $53,000 in student loans. We both went to a private college and were advised to simply take out loans for school. It didn’t seem like a big deal then, but woah baby. We regret it now. We’re thankful for our educations, but regret not pursuing ways to pay for school while we were enrolled.

People make mistakes. That was one of ours. So you can understand why I feel hesitant if not sickened by taking out more student loans. I feel a deep conviction about receiving my master’s degree without any debt from it.

Along with this conviction is a deep sense that God is going to provide. I don’t know how, but I trust [with butterflies] that He’s got this. You see, when He challenged me to pray that He would fund my mission, I knew that it would require some trust. A LOT of trust actually.

But when I think about those families, those marriages, the hurt, pain, and brokenness, I break. I cry. I hurt. And with the state of Arizona’s divorce rate being higher than the country’s (2 out of 3 end in divorce in Z compared to 1 out of 2 for the country), my eyes well up. And when I think about God’s call for me to be a missionary forging ahead into the darkness that has swept over our relationships, I feel confident. Encouraged. Strengthened. Because I know that if this is God’s call on my life, He is going to prepare me. He has some big plans. And I want to be ready for it.

I feel as though I am preparing for a mission trip. But mine doesn’t involve passports and visas or selling all my possessions to prepare to move overseas. Mine involves me preparing my heart and mind to step into a field where the devil is at work. Where he is working hard to destroy what God has brought together. Over the next few weeks as I wait to find out if I was accepted and then if I am, over the next several months until school begins, I am praying for provision, protection, and guidance in the way He calls me to go.

I mentioned a couple days ago that I was going to be writing an e-book. I am going to be doing my part to work hard to save and gather all the funds I can from my own pocket. My husband and I will be slowly setting aside pieces of my tuition costs. But friends, it is going to take a miracle.

The total cost for all three years of school will be $50,000. This includes books and transportation. I believe it comes to about $16,000 a school year. And I am hesitant to write that but that’s just what it is. That big fat scary number. The only thing standing between me and the mission I feel deep in my heart that God has called me to. I will be brainstorming ways to raise money and praying that the Lord provides…but would you do something for me?

Would you first add me to your prayer list? Would you go before the Lord for me and pray His deep blessing and provision for this? Would you pray against the devil and his schemes to try and break apart this call and pursuit? Would you pray that the Lord is just BIG and that His provision for this would just bring Him glory and honor and praise?

Secondly, would you pray about how the Lord would have you be involved? I mean truly honestly ask? I am raising money to go on mission, friends. And I need a miracle because I know that God is calling me to pursuing this degree debt-free. I pray that your heart is open and without judgment when you read this — I have people that I know who would just tell me to go get a job and raise the money myself, to not ask for people to contribute to this mission. And if I let it, that would discourage my heart immensely.

But honestly? I feel like the Lord has been showing me that my mission to marriages and families is no less important than a mission to another country. Theirs is a mission to a new land and cultural and spiritual battles. Mine is also a mission into a cultural and spiritual battle.

So would you pray?? And if you feel lead, would you give? I would love to hear your thoughts and LOVE encouraging email. Shoot me a message if you’re praying for me or if you’d like to contribute. Thank you for letting me voice this and for listening. ;)


  1. says

    praying for you, girl!

    with arthur getting his doctorate at a very expensive private college, we have racked up a VERY scary amount of student loans. we could buy a very nice house with all of the debt we have. it makes me sick to think about. looking back, we would totally do things different. i’m not sure how, but different. i have always dreamt of going back to school because my business degree doesn’t open doors in the field i want to work in. like you, i hesitate to rack up more student debt. i pray everything lines up for you, just as God has designed it.