I hate money. Well, that’s not true. I like money, but when circumstances take it all, or I make dumb decisions, or I just plain don’t have any…that’s when I hate money. And right now, I hate money. And its for all three of those reasons. Its not like I have mounds of it, and I just keep spending it away…its just that we make a plan and then different circumstances change said plan and it all falls apart and our bank account dips and I freak out.
Like right now, hubby just texted me the total for a service his truck needs. Ouch. I look at bank account. Ouch. Because the kiddos have been sick almost continually for three straight months [we’re finally starting to get healthy again], we spent more than usual this last month on medicine, vitamins, remedies, and stuff to help them get better. We ended up using money from savings [which was already low] and so now, when we need to spend this mula on hubby’s truck, we don’t have the savings to back it up. And then because I am in a stressful situation, my mind starts to wander and remembers our credit card balance too. Ugh.
And I fall into this spiral of worry and fear and wondering how can we get out of this hole and start to move forward?? It feels like a tug of war with money since forever. And I’m.Just.Done.
And I am driving in the car without the kiddos last night after grocery shopping [before the smack down of the truck’s needs] and I’m crying out to God. I can’t keep asking you for help!! How can I ask you for help in paying off our debts when you’ve rescued us financially before?? I hate this so much and I need your help but am ashamed to ask…we need your help but I hate to ask again. Because I feel like you’ll say, “Nope, I already tried helping.”
Gosh I hate that about myself. I hate that I think that about God. It sucks. But in that moment, God whispered to my soul: Jesus paid it all. Why should this debt feel overwhelming when you know that I paid the most overwhelming debt you could ever have gotten yourself into?
And my heart is filled with peace. Friends, I still don’t have an answer to our current plight. I don’t know what we will do. Its a desire of my husband and I for me to continue to stay home. So I continue to search for different opportunities and dream up solutions. But its a comfort to know that even though I still need to pay off a debt here on earth, my Savior paid the ultimate debt for me. And in that, I can trust in Him to provide for the little ones that pale in comparison.