:: Realization ::

This morning was super rough. Like probably the most charged morning I’ve had in a while. I was angry and exploded. I won’t go into much more detail, but later, I felt the weight of it. The hurt. The pain. And the overwhelming realization that my heart is wickedly evil.

I realized that no matter how hard I try, I will never, ever get it right. That I may go through good seasons where I can hold it all together, stay under control, and have a little peace. But that boiling sinful nature that resides in all of us is just seething under the surface, ready to burst out whenever we give the enemy a way in. And I can do things that make me happy, inspire myself, go on walks, play with my kids, but that those things alone will never make it go away.

When scrolling through Instagram, I came across several #shereadstruth images. I haven’t done that study in several days … actually, try 17 days … I haven’t picked up the study since the first day of their look at Ephesians. Actually, I don’t know if I even did day one. :( Well, today, they are studying Ephesians 6:10-24 — putting on the full armor of God.

Before I could even think, it hit me. I am not allowing God to protect me in those seething angry moments. I am not allowing God to come into my mess and help me. And in failing to spend time with him for … ahem … 3 weeks straight, I was also failing to cloak myself in His armor, His protection.

He protects me always, but by reading His truth, storing it in my heart, and meditating on Him daily, I fix my mind on Him and not on evil. I am armoring my thoughts and actions and becoming centered on the Lord.

A heart fixed on God is one that stands firm and confident in His protection and love.

So, I am coming back, yet again, to spending time with Him and centering myself on Him. And the thing that I love is that in the countless times I fall, mess up, and am unlovable, He is faithful. He loves. He pursues. If it were up to me, I’d be doomed.