Mommy Diary – Fear

 
Source: flickr.com via Erin on Pinterest
This weekend I had an opportunity to be severely fearful for my daughter. I won’t go into details, but it was pretty upsetting. I can’t say I am over it, and it gave me a restless, nightmarish sleep that night too. But it did show me one thing. I am not in control. Not even a little bit. Any illusion of control is just that — an illusion. And that it is actually pretty dangerous to think you’re so in control.
One thing I have heard some parents say is that it is hard for them to believe and wrap their minds around the fact that God loves their children even more than they do. That just as much as we do, He also wants the best for them, wants to bless them, love them, grow them, and shape them.
There are not many opportunities for me to feel like I am not in control of my daughter. Well, when she is throwing a tantrum and crying, no…lol. But I mean, I make her meals, dress her, and put her down for bed. I am the one that provides food, entertainment, toys, activities, etc. I pretty much have all control over her life right now. So when I come to realize that even despite this earthly control, I have really no other control, I am just thrown.
Sometimes events in life make you feel so vulnerable. Leave you feeling so raw and exposed. I don’t like it. I don’t like that feeling. Sometimes one scary event can lead to feeling fearful and anxious, which in turn opens the door for more helpings of those feelings. Like I said, the night after the event, I woke up three times from three different nightmares and had to pray and pray and pray. The theme of each dream was simply fear. Each dream was scary and evil and left me waking to the weight of fear and dread on my soul.
And each time I prayed I felt better, but not out of the woods. My heart still felt pain and sadness over it. I still felt “oppressed” by the situation. It simply felt like the weight of the entire world was on me, threatening to crush me into dust. And right now, as I sit typing this, my daughter is waking up, chatting and giggling away in her crib waiting for me to come get her. She has no idea. She didn’t and doesn’t have any clue what happened.
 This whole situation feels like a firm warning to my heart. Not in an ominous way, but a warning that I need to pray for my daughter more and relinquish any semblance of control I thought I had over her to the Lord. It makes me realize that God did not design our hearts and spirits to handle this kind of responsibility. Sure, as parents we will always worry and wonder about our children, but it makes me realize that God built us to give that control to Him and rely on Him to protect and love our children as much as we do.
The stupid part is that I feel like I am in a spiritual haze. Kind of like the feeling that you feel after you’ve cried and cried over something and you’re just spent — emotionally, physically, mentally. And I know the only way out of the fog is to read the Word and pray. {And maybe some coffee too…} I know I am rambling and this sounds more like a diary entry than a blog post, but I needed to write about it. To get it out, even if “it” really didn’t resemble any type of blog post or story.

Well, I hope that your day goes wonderfully!! We are getting our first snow here in Texas…well flurries really. Nothing is sticking…but I am going to go enjoy my last week here in this state before we move this weekend…love and hugs…

❤erin
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