Mommy Diary – Discipline

Growing up, my parents were loving, nurturing, and wonderful…I just was never disciplined. Don’t get me wrong, I received a lot of lectures and talks, but grounding, spanking, anything else just never happened to me. My mom will now admit to you that she was sort-of kind-of wanting to be our friend, but she and my dad did the best they could… and I turned out fabulous ;)

But now, I find myself in the same boat. Being “friends” with a high-octane energy toddler isn’t my goal, but her liking me is something that I have struggled a bit with lately. I hate that pout when she’s about to cry after I tell her no or swat her little behind for something naughty. I hate when she walks away from me and buries her face in a pillow and cries when something doesn’t go her way. She responds and reacts much older – let me tell you. And it breaks my heart.

I don’t want to hurt her little feelings. I don’t want her to think I don’t love her. I don’t want her to be forever scarred because I let her cry for a few minutes. And yet, I know that sometimes, your kids won’t like you. Sometimes, they may be upset at being punished {shocker!}. Sometimes they won’t understand why they cannot have half a bottle of chocolate syrup in their milk in the morning. Sometimes I just gotta say no.

And the irony is that every fiber in my mother-loving being wants to kiss her, hug her, smother her, and give her everything she wants and dreams for. Yes, I know this will — in the end — not be loving, but in those moments when I surprise her with a new board book or toy and see the excitement in her eyes, receive a HUGE hug and a toddler-ese “keek yew” {thank you}, it makes the other moments where she is throwing a tantrum because she’s not getting what she wants all the more difficult.

I don’t really know the point of today’s post, except to say that discipline is hard…sometimes afterwards, I cry along with her. Sometimes the shaky, “I soweee, mama,” that she sobs after I tell her what she did was wrong doesn’t feel worth it. Sometimes, after putting her to bed following a particularly rough day with her, I cry and cry wondering if that day will change her. If that day will scar her. Oh, I know I’m dramatic, but tell me, hasn’t every mom thought this a time or two?

And yet, I harness my inner Wonder Woman and do it all again the next day. Its enough that I have so much evil in myself that I want to change and allow God to mold, but heap on top of that the responsibility of being the Lord’s messenger to do the same to my child….oi-vey.