Mommy Diary – Baby Edition

I am overwhelmed.
With joy.
With frustration.
With tiredness.
With fear.
I am overwhelmed with joy because I am pregnant. :) The nurse verified this morning that I indeed have a little bean growing inside me. I will be officially “dated” in a couple of weeks when I have a sonogram.
I am overwhelmed with frustration because today my daughter threw a fit in the doctors office. In the “library-quiet”, tile-floored doctors office. She would not cooperate. Insisted on what she wanted. Cried if I said no. Was more curious and determined than normal. I don’t think I sat for more than 15 seconds at a time in the waiting room because she kept wanting to wander off. I am overwhelmed with frustration because of a financial “surprise” at the OB office that I was not expecting and now am afraid. I am frustrated that when unexpected financial situations happen, I get afraid.
I am overwhelmed with tiredness. Because of the non-stop activity of my toddler. Because I am officially growing a human. Because I have a first-trimester headache that had been going for a week and a half so far and probably wont let up for another several weeks {with my daughter, I had a headache for 6 weeks straight}. I am tired from getting up every night to pee {already} and having sleep filled with busy dreams. I don’t know about you, but when I have tons of dreams at night, I don’t feel very well rested. This has been going on for about two weeks also.
I am overwhelmed with fear. This is something I struggle with {being afraid}. I am afraid that I will be a zombie when I have two kids. I am afraid that I will always feel tired for the rest of my life. I am afraid that something will go wrong in delivery. I am afraid that my daughter is going to be a brat {like today} for the rest of eternity. I am afraid that I will have to eat bananas and milk and feed ramen and mac-n-cheese to my family forever because we just can’t seem to get a small amount ahead financially. Every step forward this year has had a step backward {literally}. We save money here – a bill gets raised. We have a little extra – a tire needs replacing. That’s life, you say, but what kind of life am I living when I look for the step back when I step forward? All I want is to have savings. All I want is to not have to strategize and manipulate my money to stretch each paycheck. All I want is to not worry. I want to coupon because I like it, not because we depend on it.
I am overwhelmed {yet again} with wanting to go home. Go back to Arizona. Things were easier there. I didn’t feel so alone. I could work and have the grand-mommies watch my daughter.
Ever get overwhelmed and yet your mind knows exactly the answer but your heart is just begging for some encouragement? I know God has our backs. I know that we’re going to be okay. I know that no one is going to let us be homeless {exaggeration – I know}. I know that we will always have food. I know…I know…I know….
But will someone please tell my overwhelmed heart?
xoxo – erin