The One About Fear

In 48 hours, two little girls in my life have gone through some scary medical emergencies. These girls are both under four years old. They’ve gone through some pretty horrifying things: extensive medical tests, emergencies and trips to the ER, and heavy diagnoses. Its every parents’ nightmare.

The stories I have read have made my mama heart ache. They have caused me to cry prayers up to God asking Him why these little precious princesses have to suffer. And it has worried me. These girls have a couple years on my daughter, but to think of Jael going through something like this makes my stomach turn. It brings up old feelings of fear.

I’ve felt like my battle with fear has gotten a lot better. I no longer dwell on those things that make my mind fall into a dizzying spiral down to darkness. But when I started thinking about these two sweet girls, seeing their precious faces in my mind, I couldn’t help but fear. Fear that some day that would be my child. That I would have to battle through really hard medical issues.

That I could possibly lose them.

And then something Jessi said washed over those burning thoughts in my mind like a cool rain.

And for whatever reason, I teared up and I confessed to my friend that I felt like the Lord was still wanting us to have open hands with her [her daugher, Glorianna]. It didn’t feel like fear or paranoia, I just knew that the Lord wasn’t done with her and I needed to hold her loosely….We didn’t deserve her in the first place and we still don’t. And we know, we still have to have our hands open with all these kiddos. Stewarding them while we hold them open to Him. Since they’re His anyhow.

Our kiddos aren’t ours. They are the Lord’s. And when I cling to my children in desperate fear, thinking somehow I can protect them better, I am simply fooling myself. I love how Jessi put it — I need to have open hands with my kids. They are gifts to me that God can take whenever He chooses. I may not understand. I may hate it. But I have to trust that He is in control. That my life is not my own. The lives I have been trusted with are not my own. He is the LORD and sits on the throne. He is the Maker of heaven and earth. Things come to be from the sound of His voice.

The idea of letting my grip loosen on my kids terrifies me. The idea of trusting the Lord even if bad things happen to my kids makes my stomach hurt. The thought of anything…death, illness, heck…even a cold makes me so sad. Makes me want to curl up and not think anymore.

I have not achieved victory in this area yet. I am on the path to it though.

And I am a scared mommy who hates to admit that I have anxiety over these things. So thank you. Thank you for letting me confess that.