On learning dependance

Source: apostlesam.tumblr.com via Erin on Pinterest

There is something going on. Something I have been praying about and often times obsessing over. Something that weighs so heavy on my heart, sometimes I think I may just collapse under it. Sometimes things in life make it worse…like an unruly toddler who won’t stop asking, “Why not?” or a jillion straight days of overcast. I feel I handle it well. I don’t complain about the weight of this burden. I don’t cry over it {used to}. But it still weighs heavy.

And one of the things that is eating me from the inside out is the fact that I can’t share it with y’all. This “thing” is deeply personal and could affect the lives of others. Hence the caution. And there have been SO many moments where finger hits keyboard and I’m only left to backspace my way back to a blank screen because I simply can’t share. One day I will share; I just hope that day comes sooner than later because I am going nutso over here.

One thing I have learned in all this “keep it to yourself” nonsense is the simple lesson of dependance. The only one that I can talk to {besides the hubbs who probably tires of me jabbering on about it} is the Lord. He’s the only one who hears my constant emotion, the spilling out of my heart, and doesn’t mind one bit. Even when I repeat myself. Even when I ask “Why?” a jillion times. Even when I just prayed about it 2.3 minutes ago.

I’ve felt the strength of His hand on my heart during the days that I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve felt His joy bubble over on the days that I finally {even if just for a moment} give it to Him in gladness. I’ve seen His hand work in ways unexplainable. I’ve felt His reassurance and peace when days and weeks go by without an answer or step in any direction. When I am left standing in the desert wondering which direction to walk, I’ve felt His comfort that He will soon tell me.

I’ve learned that He is my best friend. I’ve learned {but not yet mastered} that His plans are better than mine. That trusting Him with everything is easier and better than trying it on my own. I’ve come to love Him. Really LOVE Him. I can’t say I’ve ever uttered those words before this trial with any truth behind them.

I followed Him.
I believed in Him.
I accepted Him as my Savior.
But never came to love Him.

He uses uncertainty to draw us to Him. I’ve come to love His character, peace, and love for me. And this is all without answers. Without a clear direction. Without a solution to what is “going on.” We’ve had real talks. Real raw talks. Deep groanings of the soul talks. I’ve yelled at Him. I’ve confessed doubt and mistrust to Him. And He never turned away. On the contrary, He has pulled me close. I have felt the deep comfort of His embrace. The gentle reassurance of His presence. The quiet whispers of love.

I have a lot of time alone. My husband works a lot. Often I am left with a television blaring some obnoxious {and yet somehow still funny} cartoon and a toddler demanding a snack every 30 minutes. Moments of exhaustion seep into my bones. Exasperation and temptation to quit and scream flicker through my mind. And yet, I have learned in those moments to look to the hills, seeking help from the Maker of Heaven and Earth. He is my strength and portion forever.

{graphic made by yours truly – if you wish to use it please give credit – thx}