Faith vs. Fear

I’m gonna be honest here…like embarrassing honest. I battle fear. Like major. Like when my daughter sleeps later than 7:30, my brain goes to worst case scenario – she’s dead.

I won’t fly anymore without my husband because I’m afraid if I go somewhere long distance, something will happen to him. Or me. {Honestly, I have a fear of flying in general.} I fear the baby growing inside me will die early, have something fatally wrong with them, etc. I fear that I will get older and never achieve in my life the things I want to achieve. I worry about my daughter going to friends’ houses when she’s older and falling in and drowning in a pool. I fear that she’ll grow up and deal with life-changing struggles and horrifying things I’ve never dealt with.

I fear she’ll grow up and be like me.

Not in good ways. I worry she’ll grow up and fear like me. Worry like me. Ramble like me. Bla bla bla. Life is so much harder when you’re fearful of things. Every major decision is made harder by the endless scenarios a fearful mind comes up with. Every thought isn’t just a “thought” but an hour long brain-debate.

Unfortunately, fear has a negative effect on your faith in the Lord. It shrinks it. And the thing about being fearful all the time is that you’re not having faith in the LORD like you should, you’re having faith in the opposite direction. You’re having faith that the bad will always happen.

I once had a pastor tell me that fear is demonic faith. Boy, did that resonate with me! You’re not having faith in what the Lord can do but more faith in what the devil can do. This past year has been one of the hardest of my life. Not every-single-day hard, but I have had some of the hardest moments…moments of fear, moments of loneliness, moments of heartache, moments of anger, moments of the I’ve-just-had-enough feeling. And having fear in all of that has been exhausting.

Like I said, I battle fear. Its a lot better than it used to be. I’m sure you’re thinking, yeah right!! But really…it was bad. Like almost OCD bad…checking the locks 3 times after going to bed, then checking my sleeping newborn 4 times, and then checking the locks several more times over the next hour or two and not falling asleep until long after my hubby. I had a problem.

But then, I had a realization.

I wasn’t trusting the Lord with my life. It wasn’t until a long flight across the country with tons of turbulence that I came to the point where I realized…

I’m not in control.

It was a scary realization at first. But then it was comforting as I prayed over it over the next few days. Now, with life being hard over the past year, I have really given a lot over to the Lord. I feel a closeness to him that I have never felt. And he is my life. I would never go back to the way I was before! Trying to be in control is exhausting. And I’m simply not good at it.

But when I realized that when I gave up my pushing and fighting and just trusted God, he gave me peace. It didn’t mean that I no longer cared about the things I cared about and left everything…it didn’t mean that whenever I had a care, I gave up praying about it fervently and repeatedly…I just had the attitude of trust.

I am slowly learning the deep meaning of the words of the Lord rather than scripture being just a cliche statement. Finally starting to understand scripture as the Lord speaking to me rather than just a book of stories. Rather than just memorizing “perfect love casts out all fear,” I am learning that the One who loves me means it. Rather than just knowing a few verses in Proverbs that say, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight,” I am believing that my Father loves me and will straighten out what I see as crooked. That he will provide “peace that surpasses all understanding.”

I know it is hard. And I have days when I still worry! A lot!! Especially in moments when it takes my OB 3+ minutes to find my baby’s heartbeat…fear starts to rear its ugly head. But when you begin to know the Lord and understand him more than just some god out there who made a bunch of laws in the Bible…when you begin to finally see him as someone who loves and cares for you deeply…when you start to really value spending time in the Word and praying {I spend time journaling as a form of prayer as well} rather than just offering up 5 minutes of Bible time in the morning before the chaos begins…you’ll begin to see the Lord for who he is.

Mighty to save.
Worthy of trust.
And attentive to what matters to you.

It makes those plane rides a little easier. Love you today, friends.
xoxo – erin