On July 30, my 3 year old son Elijah had 3 seizures, was admitted to pediatric ICU and stayed in the hospital for four days. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced in my entire life. I think I cried a million tears and whispered just as many prayers. To say that it is traumatizing seeing your child hooked up to monitors and tubes and oxygen is a massive understatement.
To the glory and grace of God, they did not find anything life-threatening or of major concern. They actually don’t know why he had the seizures. This is both frustrating and comforting. It is comforting to know that they ruled out all the scary big things that every mother fears would happen to their child. The Lord spoke to my heart the other day saying that it was His miracle that the doctors did not find anything. It was His sparing of Elijah that we are on the other side of this with a different outcome than many parents endure. It is also frustrating that we don’t have answers because that leaves me battling the what-ifs…I catch myself with the feeling of walking on egg shells, as if it could happen at any moment again.
I’ve felt really numb over these past 10 days. It feels like I can’t get my brain back in “Erin mode.” I’m snippy. Melancholy. Blue. Emotional. Tearful. And in other moments I am thankful. Grateful. Feeling blessed. Enjoying life. It feels like I am trying to drink water from a fire hose. All the emotions and thoughts come rushing like a tidal wave over me. Its overwhelming, and I often feel like I am drowning. But I know that if I turn the hose off, I’ll dry up. My spiritual and physical life will bake and crack like the arid desert. And I will become hard and lifeless. Trauma does interesting things to the heart…it tenderizes us and then we are left to make something from what is left. When you’re already tender, the results can be devastating.
I’ve wondered a lot over the last week why this season is happening for us. Why did Elijah have seizures? Why is school so hard? Why does everything feel up in the air? Why does life feel so messy, broken, and confusing? Why all at once? Why are we depleted? I’ve attempted to find answers that comfort. Tried to find a possible reason to cling to so that it doesn’t hurt so badly. This video spoke to my heart so much. I don’t need to find an answer to rest my mind, to bring my heart comfort…that is not where its found. Its found in the Lord. In pressing into him. In giving him my heart and worries and fears and tension and cry out to him in my anguish. I want the Lord to use this incredibly hard and painful season to bring me to Him. Help me to find rest for my tired heart. To have the tidal wave of His joy and comfort over me. I want to be in over my head in Him.